I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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