if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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