White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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