my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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