Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
