i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
