My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
