I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize