there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
FUCK WHALES
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
