u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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