he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
