I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
