I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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