dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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