I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I miss vodka workout Fridays
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize