All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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