I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
