remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
