Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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