Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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