At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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