i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
