now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
