yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize