she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
