Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Who died my cat blue again?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
