We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
