so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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