What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
