Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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