Say something about gay babies.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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