chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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