you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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