I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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