The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
