the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Randomize
