I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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