forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
