if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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