new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
