And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
