Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
