I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
