I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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