I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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