I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
