So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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