Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
