just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize