I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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