Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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