Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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