I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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