gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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