my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
