Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
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