It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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