Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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