im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
