There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
