I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
