I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
