I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
