I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
