I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
