legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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