I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
