1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
